To honor my brother Kasum 💔🕊️

I had to rewrite this email

To honor my brother Kasum 💔🕊️

Who passed away yesterday. May he be in Jannah ameen

And it's made me reflect on my relationships 

Fasting is not just about abstaining from food and drink

It’s also about reconnecting to God through all means necessary 

Because your hereafter depends on your life on Earth

And for me, family has been a sore subject for a long time

I always felt like an outsider growing up

However after my Mum died, Rahimullah, 

I felt like it was my duty to keep everyone together

But at the cost of myself

And that's where I messed up

No one told me to do that. I burnt out trying to convince my siblings to be good to each other

While simultaneously grieving my mother, homelessness, and trying to make it through the day

💔I was angry

💔Like rage

I had no support system. So like any normal human being, I flipped

I cussed, I screamed and I stopped contacting everyone

Without realising that everyone was also grieving the loss of our Mum

Me and Kasum had such a good relationship. He was like a father to me after my Mum passed

But little did I know is that he was suffering from a broken heart

Which contributed to his death 💔

He missed my Mum so much, but he would fake a smile with me because he just didn't want me to worry

I had children and he had such a close relationship with them

So when I left the UK it affected him deeply

But even though he's gone, I'm so grateful Allah guided me to keep in touch with him

Because as I'm remembering him, writing this, I'm smiling

I have messages, videos, and pictures of him because we kept in touch

He made me laugh

He had special needs but was the goofiest person I knew

And every person who knows him has said he was the kindest soul 

That he was helpful even if he was struggling

I have no regrets with my brother like I did for my Mum

You see doing good deeds isn't just for your Hereafter

It's also to help you in moments of extreme loss and challenges

So you can have a bank full of good memories 

Instead of grieving the times you wasted 

Having lost my Mum and now 4 brothers, may Allah be pleased with them all ameen

My advice to you is never hold onto a grudge for your own sake

It doesn't mean you need to be best friends with the person who hurt you

You can maintain boundaries and still let go of a grudge

Because forgiveness is giving up hope the past will change

No grudge will ever give you back the time you spent resenting a situation

It's like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die

Trust me I've been there and now I'm here with my siblings, aunties, and uncles

We haven't spoken for years

Sometimes the worst of times create the best of times 

And that's okay too

It doesn't mean the past was bad. The past is as good as you remember it

Which brings me to the topic of tahajjud

I've been seeing my sisters on Tiktok like @AmeenaRoshae (I adore this woman mashaAllah) talking about duas being answered straight after making tahajjud

So I had to drop my stories in too

Grab your hijabs and niqabs (because we are fasting I was about to write grab a cuppa…but we can't…anyway)

I was in a women's refuge with my son (who's turning 13 on Friday in shaa Allah)

I had fallen asleep crying because my Mama Rahimuallah said I couldn't come back home

She said “You made your bed you lie in it” 

I don't blame her because she begged me not to marry my ex

And she said sorry to me for being so cruel before she passed away (just in case you're feeling triggered)

So I woke up crying 

My son is crying because he's teething and refusing to drink his milk 

And in that moment I just wanted to end my life

Seriously I just wanted to go home to Allah

I was tired of figuring life out all by myself (story of my life)

I woke up with my eyes swollen. Like girl, I looked like I had an allergic reaction

Anyways the first thought I had was “at least pray tahajjud if you're going to kill yourself”

I believe that was Allah talking to me because the way I obeyed that thought like my life depended on it because it did

So I made wudu, my son had stopped crying and went back to sleep

I wear my prayer garments and start praying

As soon as my forehead hits the ground I feel this overwhelming feeling of peace 

Just washing over me

I thought I had died and entered Jannah 😭🥹

I felt like I was floating

As I finished praying I remember asking Allah to let me go to Saudi so I could raise my son as a Muslim

That this isn't the life I had imagined as a mother

That I was so sorry for marrying the wrong guy and that my son shouldn't pay the consequences (I ended up remarrying that guy…long story…had 2 more kids and then divorced)

Anyway I go to sleep and have a dream that I'm touching the Kaaba 🕋

The sky was blue and I was looking up thinking “subhanAllah I'm home”

Now fast forward a year later, I'm on a flight to Saudi

I've got a job as a teacher and I'm 5 months pregnant (I got back with baby Daddy, I know I know, I learned my lesson trust me)

And then a month later, I made Umrah with a colleague, Ameenah

She is the purest soul. Allah really blessed her because the way she took care of me was so beautiful 

I make dua for her always. If you're reading this ameenah I love you

Anyways I'm bawling my eyes out as we are making tawaf

And then a path opens up (I mean a literal path, if you’ve been to Umrah you know how hectic it gets)

So me and Ameenah walk towards the Kaaba and here I am touching it in the exact same place as my dream looking up at the sky saying “I'm home”

I have goosebumps writing this out to you and I hope you do too

The fact that I got to Saudi pregnant and made Umrah 

Was all from tahajjud

I have so many more stories of how tahajjud has saved my life

Including helping bring my family back together

The fact that I was able to find out that Kasum died is only because I prayed tahajjud and Allah answered 

Let me know if you want to read more stories. I'll write a whole separate blog

So if you're not praying tahajjud, babes what are you doing?

Just wake up 10 mins before Fajr and pray 2 rakat 

In sujood ask Allah for whatever you want

I like to thank Allah in advance for what I'm praying for

🤲🏽So I say “Allah thank you for my G550 jet, thank you for the billions in my account”

🤲🏽“Thank you for a loving family”

And by Allah, I feel deeply loved

I live life like I'm traveling by private jet every day

I spend money like I have trillions 

I have this thought that with Allah I have an unlimited bank account

And when I pray I withdraw £1,000,000,000 from the account

So the more I pray, the more I receive 

I just have this certainty that when I spend money, He replenishes my account

As I'm writing this another gorgeous woman signed up for Telegram coaching with me

While I was doing a LIVE on IG on Monday, another gorgeous woman joined Telegram coaching 

Allah is always taking care of me 🥹

He's taking care of you too

All you have to do is be certain and He will provide an answer 

P.s If you want to build your faith muscles I highly recommend you download my God Loves Me Hypnosis Audio HERE

Just download and play it. Let yourself fall asleep to the audio

And wake up feeling deeply connected to God

I recorded this while I was in Makkah after making Umrah. Just know this is a straight transmission from God

I've tried to re-record a few times but it just doesn't work

You don’t have to download it, if you don’t want to

Please keep my brother Kasum in your duas. He will be deeply missed by us 🤲🏽